Boyz in the Burbs

Believe it or not, just like in the rest of the world, crime is a serious problem out here in subdivision heaven. The kinds of violations we experience are almost too numerous and disturbing to mention. For example, just last week, one homeowner was cited for leaving the garage door open.* Needless to say, he was erased from the society rolls and was discretely “disinvited” from the Christmas Cookie Party.

Recently, there are signs of actual gang activity spilling in from the city. Empty beer cans and bottles are found on lawns nearly every Sunday morning, evidence of some kind of roving band of marauders. This group appears to be the same one responsible for a series of retro-style vandalism events. A group of mailboxes was recently destroyed by the old mailbox baseball routine and this week, there has been a surge in “lawn jobs.”

Much of this activity is preventable though, with a little help from you, the residents of this community. One of our misguided homeowners, for example, hasn’t had the required dusk-to-dawn light in front of his house lit in months.** According to our covenants, the purpose of these lights is for the sake of security and the surge of atrocities in that area of the neighborhood is causing property values to plummet. Even beyond the problems with gangs, the lighting problem is causing some of our own kind to stray. There has been, for example, an obvious increase in people neglecting to scoop the poop when they are walking their dogs.

One resident*** was so incensed by the build up of doggie-do on his lawn that he became a vigilante, hiding in his yard, popping out, and confronting violators. When that became too time consuming, he roped off his yard and placed signs around the perimeter reading “If you aren’t going to clean up after your dog, keep it off our lawn!” He was foiled however, when it was discovered that residents are not allowed to post signs in their yards, and was cited.

Let this be a lesson to you: do the duties assigned to you by the Homeowners Association, and don’t take the law into your own hands!

* Dan Meyers, Lot # 84
** Dan Meyers, Lot # 84
*** Dan Meyers, Lot # 84